Ola from magical Famara!
Yesterday marked my first full week in Lanzarote. A life changing week!
Lanzarote is ‘’Surreal’’. How can the world feel like the moon? How can a place light me up so much that I get goosebumps? How am I seeing six or seven rainbows a day? Lanzarote is how!!!
I’ve been sharing lots on my Instagram and TikTok and hope that my posts take you on this adventure with me. I hope that seeing me out here, alone – in the middle of the pandemic – gives you a sense of ‘’I can do what I want!’’.
Here, I feel born again. Born again as my-full-self; how I’m meant to feel.
Being back home in Wales from May-to-now gave me so much time to reflect on what I wanted / needed out of life. That time also gave me three life events that helped direct me to where I am today; free and in possession of a happy soul. I’m a girl dancing to the beat of her own drum.
That time I got back with my ex
I was back with an ex within weeks of arriving home to Wales. We’d been talking online on-and-off for years – finally being reunited in person felt so special. I honestly thought ‘’This is it’’. After years being apart, this was our second chance – we were going to build a life together.
We planned for him to move out to Sydney with me. We worked up so many big dreams. A few months down the track and I started to realise these ‘dreams’ would never be more than that; his actions weren’t following his words.
One day, I came off the phone to him and realised our conversation had made me shake with discomfort. I was a bag of jittery nerves. I dropped my head into my hands and cried at my Nan’s kitchen table. Anything but this.
Then out of nowhere; the light hit me and I thought ‘’What the fucking, fuck am I doing?!’’ ‘’This.is.all.WRONG’’. It was like I saw ‘’us’’ for the first time. Suddenly my eyes were wide open – it was a revelation.
It was as though I saw myself for the first time too: I finally admitted I had been living on a knife-edge – to the point whereby my Nan asked me what the ‘rash on my neck was?’ at my birthday lunch.
That was anxiety pouring out of me. I often had that rash during those four months of us. As soon as I realised my future would look bleak, grey and filled with a sad heart I took action and cut all ties.
Now I consider that time together feels like one big therapy session. I have no regrets whatsoever. I feel like life needed us to reconnect, so I could heal the wounds I had carried with me since we first broke up. I finally saw the raw truth – things going wrong between us wasn’t my fault this time and it wasn’t the first time round either. I was finally free.
That time I nearly bought a house
I got (very) far down the line with a house in Wales. Thinking I could live in it ‘for now’, then ‘rent it out when I go back to Aus’. A few days before the contracts were due to be signed, I was chatting to my Mum and she asked me how I felt about it. I said something along the lines of ‘I’m not sure’. As soon as the words fell outta my mouth; I had voiced it. The uncertainty was real.
I didn’t feel right. I knew I couldn’t do it. To go into a house thinking ‘I’ll be back in Aus soon’ suddenly made no sense. The house was beautiful – it deserved to be loved and lived in. Not me rocking around it on my own, then toodle-pipping off as soon as I got the chance.
5,4,3,2,1 pick up the phone – make the tricky phone calls to my family, the seller and solicitors to stop all plans. I had to dig deep to end this journey and explain to everyone involved. We can do hard things.
That time I nearly bought a puppy
I also got (very) close to buying a puppy. Two days before I was due to pay the deposit; I thought ‘I can’t do this’. I had visions of me having a puppy and putting it in the kennels every time I went away.
I knew I would end up giving it to my Aunt when I went back to Australia. I couldn’t bear the thought of me getting a pup and welcoming it into my lifestyle; like ‘’Hey pupper, I love you but I’m going back to Sydney now, byeeee’’.
As with the house; the pup deserved to be loved. Not loved by a part-timer whose soul was somewhere else.
I had a recurring vision of me; on work calls saying to my Manager how much I wanted to come back to Aus (but talking from a new house, with a puppy on my lap?) … How would that work?! I foresaw the mixed messages I would be living. It didn’t look right. Australia comes first.
Stepping into myself
As you can imagine; these three big events were hectic experiences. I can write about them now because they’ve happened. They’re old news but each one holds a valuable life lesson within it.
Every time I said ‘’no’’ and changed my mind; I stepped into myself more. I was taking control of my future. I was putting myself first. If a plane goes down; you put your own mask on first or you can’t help anyone else; because you’ll be dead!! >>> This is a key way to look at how you live your life. You must put your happiness first or you won’t be able to live, or help others.
I could have easily stayed involved with the ex, could have signed on the house and fell in love with puppy paws. But when it came to the crunch; I just knew at every time – my spirit was telling me otherwise. I would be doing myself a disservice if I ignored it.
It’s been a whirlwind but look at me now vs. during those times. As soon as I cut the ex, the anxiety rashes stopped. Coincidence? I know not. My body healed too.
I’m sharing this as I think it is crucial to know; you can change your mind about anything, at any time. Something that was perfect for you one day, can be wrong the next.
You have to be brave and sometimes prepare to cause some unrest in a bid to back yourself all the way. Just because you get deep into something, doesn’t mean you have to keep going. You can set yourself free, from the relationship, the job, the house, the friends, the future plans. You have choices.
Someone jokingly asked me yesterday if I ‘found myself’ when I first went traveling through Thailand in 2014. I laughed and said ‘I actually did that this year, at home in Wales’. Home reset my batteries – taking time to ‘pause’ during lockdown gave me time to understand myself and what I want out of life.
When I thought about what I really wanted, everything started to become crystal clear:
- I wanted fun
- I wanted adventure
- I wanted to chase my career with Finder as far as I could go
- I wanted to keep living a life that lit me up
From lockdown life in Wales – to one of the best weeks of my life; Lanzarote has given me multiple ‘’WOW! IS THIS EVEN REAL LIFE?!!!’’ moments. I’ve felt connected at my core with life, living and nature. I actually burst out crying on the drive home from the National Park. I was told by a local that Timanfaya is spiritual and has ‘fiery energy’ and my gosh it did. It was magnificent.
I hope you find my posts uplighting – I share what I’m doing to both savour the moments for myself to look back on but also to hopefully inspire you to live life on your terms. As I always say ‘One life – live it!’. Your life is out there for the taking. Do what you want, what you really, really want.
Thank you to my family and friends for always being there – I love you.
Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoy the pics below!