I write this with hope of instilling inspiration, not worry. Of igniting hope, not fear.
Recently, death has crossed my mind a lot – I’d say this must be a ‘natural reaction’ to the fact that I lost a friend to suicide in December. One day, during the week after Paul left us, I was talking to a friend of his on Bondi Beach. He said how ”confronting” Paul’s death was.
That word ”confronting” stayed with me, as it rang true. Death is extremely hard to deal with. Along with the sheer upset, shock and overwhelming sadness – it makes you question everything. Over the course of my life to date (I’m 34), I have lost elderly family members and also experienced loss of friends in accidents in recent years.
Suicide has felt very different.
It is harrowing and has made me evaluate so many things in life. As my Mum pointed out ”it is so final”. I think we can see other people going through all sorts and think ‘there must be a way‘ … We believe they will find a way forward and we seek to help them, as best we can.
But often, when it comes to ourselves, we can feel and see no way out of a difficult situation. I mean this, in regards to every day living.
That person who just cut you out, the texts that never got returned, the calls unanswered, the friend who upset you over something silly, the family member you’ve fallen out with, the work colleague who makes your life hell, the money you don’t have, the house you don’t own. The list is endless.
… In the big scheme of life, these things can seem trivial. If you are alive and well you are doing ok right? However, these ‘minor’ events can quickly become ‘major’, life altering problems if they are not dealt with swiftly.
Life can spiral out of control; one minute you’ve got your shit together – the next you’re wondering how the hell you got here and where did all the years ago?
Recently, I have realised I really want to ACHIEVE / CREATE something I want to leave behind. Something worth being shared, that can help others or make some kind of positive dent in the world. Or honestly, just something that is a true representation of me would suffice. No fluff.
I am still trying to work out what this looks like. At present, if I left the earth on a cloud of pink smoke to go play with the unicorns I would leave behind:
- A blossoming career which is skyrocketing and knows no boundaries for success
- A loving family, who are oceans away but always close in heart
- A small group of extremely close, friends for life – most of whom I rarely see as they are dotted around the world
- A huge group of ‘friends I met on the road’, travel-mates who were close to me for epic moments in time. These are indeed ‘fleeting friends’ – we shared good times but we wouldn’t necessarily lean on eachother in an emergency.
- A true, unwavering love for Bondi, for Sydney. Can also be known as an obsession. Dagnamnit, it’s a feeling I can’t shake (nor do I ever want to!)
- A Permanent Residency Visa that never came through (even though it’s been in the works since 2016 and with a visa agent since 2018 – goodness help me!)
- A love lost in my early 20’s, never to be found again and various mini ‘relationships’ over the years since that never amounted to anything but memories, sometimes friendships and always hard lessons
- Passion for fitness. This girl LOVES running!
- Love for my horses and dogs – who I left in the UK. Again, always in my heart!
What else? …
Do you see where I am going here? … Where’s the BIG THING? The PASSION PROJECT I would want to leave behind? I don’t think I have found it yet.
I am so proud of my career, the fact I solo travelled (some of) the world, the people I hold dear and my determination to always try my best.
Alongside my job that I love, I want to create something with my own two little hands that I am proud of too. My blogging has been part of my life for around 10 years now but it’s always been intermittent. I blog when I feel like it, sometimes I go on a tangent and lazer-focus for weeks at a time. My traffic and the amount of help/ inspiration I share grows. Then ‘my life happens’ and my regular, blog building efforts stop.
Swings and roundabouts. It’s a pattern I’m keen to reshape!
… I read a quote the other day that said something along the lines of ‘No one cares about the book you were going to write’. It’s so true hey?! How many times have I said ‘I want to write a book’ and look here I am, more blogs under my belt but zero books to report. Not even a sniff of a first chapter. Yet. Saying you will do things and not actually doing them becomes tedious very quickly. Heard it all before – where is the action at?!
If you think about your life in the simplest terms; what would you be proud of if you left the planet tomorrow?
This does not have to be a sad exercise and while I write I am fully aware you could be reading this with a grey cloud over you but please don’t!.
… For gawd’s sakes! Please read this with a positive mindset – it’s written with deep thought and determination to do and be more – but it’s not meant to be negative (appreciate I have opened this around death but it’s real life and it made me think, so I hope you understand my angle here).
I ask you, no matter your age / status / where you live / where you work etc to read my words as though I am asking you ‘What if you got lifted off the earth tomorrow and you didn’t know if / when you would be back?’ … You could be off making cotton candy on another planet for a while – this doesn’t need to be a negative train of thought.
Have a think about what you want to achieve and start making your plan as to how you will get there. Start making lists, conducting research, reading, watching documentaries, create a mood board … start to lay out your future. Just start!
I look at people around me and they have achieved so much; a glowing family, happy dogs they love, horses that weren’t just a childhood fad, a thriving business, earning millions because they have worked supremely hard, the body they dreamed of, a smiling face.
It’s all possible. Whatever you want is possible.
What do you want to leave behind? I feel sure I have a book in me, I am reading more and more recently and feel if I keep searching I will find the inspiration.
I feel like I would like to write one ‘before I am 40’ but heck, that’s 6 years away – isn’t the time NOW?!!!! While I search deep within myself to find what I’m trying to say, I will keep blogging. Let’s see how we go!
Thanks for reading, I hope you feel revved up to start doing!