It’s over. Done. Dust. What did YOU actually DO to cause this? Why now? And where the F do you go from here? Now then, now then. Here’s the break up 101 by me (someone who’s seen more boy/girl drama than you can shake a stick at).
The way a ‘breakup’ is dealt with hangs on a few key factors;
- How long you were together?
- Did you see it coming?
- How was ‘the end’ actually done?
- Were you really in love?
- Was anyone else involved?
Whatever the circumstances, chances are – if you were oblivious to what was happening and you loved the bones of your now-ex you feel like you’ve just lost a limb. And the future looks bleak.
Everything that you knew has been taken out of your hands. You’ve lost control on something you didn’t think needed controlling. You thought you were solid and saw things going ahead, for the long haul. Nope. Think again my friend …
BEING FORCED TO THINK AGAIN
In today’s world we are surrounded by people (often thanks to social media allowing us to see every nook n’cranny of others lives at any given time if we so wish) living that ‘perfect relationship’, travelling together, creating wonderful families, living in beautiful homes and smashing life goals on the reg as a PAIR. Many are blessed to find their life-partner early on and luckily probably cannot relate to a lot of what I discuss in this post.
While this might seem like the be-all and end-all it’s often a rocky road (with a very steep hill to climb up) to find your ‘one’ and that fairytale lifestyle. We all know it’s out there. We all know a genuinely happy couple (or ten). For me, my couple-goal has to be my Mum and my Stepdad. They are just one example in my life of people being together who are genuinely meant to be together. It does happen. It is real. Life can be THAT GOOD.
Unfortunately, for a large percentage of us mere mortals who are yet to strike relationship gold it can be a rollercoaster of hurt, embarrassment, mistakes, lies. More often than not you experience a broken heart, a mismatched pairing cloaked in jealously and power struggles, a ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ who wants you and as many other people as possible too.
There really is a never-ending road of crap that you can swerve in and out of as you live the single life … But it ain’t all bad. I’ve been single for five years and trust me, there are so many upsides to the free life I live.
YEAH SO .. YOU’RE SINGLE . WHY WE TALKING ABOUT BREAK UPS?
This week I’ve seen a few things first hand that have quite honestly scared the living shit out of me. I’ve seen people upset beyond the point of despair, questioning everything in their lives because they have just been on the brutal end of a break up they didn’t see coming.
It’s been hard to witness; I don’t want to see anyone unhappy. I wish I could click my fingers and make everything ok. Make the feelings fade. Bring back the sun. No can do!.
It’s also been like looking into a window of my past. I’ve had it done to me before, 10 years ago. I went off the rails for over a year. I lost friends over it, had troubles in university, regularly drank myself to the point of blacking out. It was horrendous and looking back, I know how hurt I was. Seeing that in others is scary as I know how they feel.
I’ve wanted to be all ‘Don’t let this happen to you! Don’t do what I did all those years ago and let ONE person effect your whole life, your happiness’.
Saying things which are true like ‘they’ve done you a favour’, ‘you’ll be alright’, ‘you’re doing amazing, chin up!’ is all well and good but it takes more than encouraging words to get through the shock.
Right now it’s so easy for me to have an opinion because I’ve been through it and I can hand-on-heart say I am probably the happiest I have been in all areas of my life than I’ve ever been. It’s a completely different kettle of fish when you’re the one dealing with the blow.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET DITCHED..
Depending on how serious the relationship was, how long you were together and how deep-a-love you really felt, the way you deal with your breakup is different. Common things that I went through and I’ve seen time and time again; lack of sleep, not eating, no energy (not wanting to get up for work or leave the house), wallowing in whats happened, despair, shock, disbelief.
Then next minute it’s all ‘I’m ready to get laid!’, ‘lets go partying’, ‘I’M FINE’. This of course never works and the low feelings make a return pretty sharpish.
You can also go down the ‘mental-ex route’ and try everything in your power to get them back/ get back at them. You can single handily make the biggest fool of yourself and become a laughing stock, someone they are glad to see the back of even more … Sleep with their friends, drunk call them, blow up their phones with text messages that never get replied to, find out where they are and accidentally-on-purposely be there in an effort to win back.
Unfortunately girls, once a guy has made up his mind he will very rarely come back. No matter how hot you are, how good you are in bed, how nice and how much you do for him. If he’s made up his made he will more than likely stick to it. It’s a circle of unbalance and unease and until you wake up and smell the coffee and realise it is OVER (and that you’re wasting your time crying into your pillow / planning your ‘I didn’t wanna be with you anyway’ revenge move) the better.
WHAT ABOUT THEM? DID THEY EVEN CARE THOUGH?
Well the thing is you never know do you?! If a break up came out of nowhere you often don’t have a chance of knowing the reason behind it. Even if you are given reasons they rarely make sense in the heat of the hurt. My ex used to tell me ‘I love you but I can’t be with you’, he would say that a lot. All it ever did was confuse the fuck out of me because I used to think ‘if you love me how you can leave me?’. It was horrible.
Don’t waste time trying to work out whats going on in someone else’s head. You will never win that game. Sooner you accept the cold, hard truth; THEY DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU, the better.
Truth hurts – but guess what; tomorrow is a new day!.
WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU.
You’ll find your true friends (and of course, your family) really come to the fore when you go through a breakup. They rally around as best they can. From an outsider looking in on a doomed relationship it is really hard, you feel helpless as you try and keep their head above water.
But that’s what people who love you do and if you’re struggling you should take all the love and care you can get – you would do the same for them, so don’t question it.
HOW DO YOU MOVE ON?
The most cliche but true thing is; time is a healer. It’s not a case of ‘what if I never get over it?’. It’s a case of ‘How long will it take?’. From my own experience it can take over a year if you’ve been cut really deep. Sorry kids but yep, it is possible to feel shit for a long time!
I lost friends during my crazy break up way back when because essentially I’d lost a part of myself, it was all I talked about. I don’t know how I managed to give someone who didn’t want to be in my life so much air time. Looking back, it was pathetic. I was weak.
But I was young, I didn’t know what I was doing back then.
If you’re lucky you can pick up the pieces and move on in a matter of weeks. It’s amazing how the little things can make a big difference; exercise, get your body in banging shape. Write, read, go and explore places you’ve never been (even if you live in your hometown there is always something to do – go find it!). LIVE YOUR LIFE. ON YOUR OWN TERMS.
12 QUICK WINS TO HELP SPEED UP RECOVERY MODE
- A cuppa tea helps. If you’re not eating you need something!
- Hug it out with a person you feel really comfortable with.
- Depending on how you operate you might just need to get back on the horse to remind yourself you’re ALIVE. Go on the pull, have nights of fun. Don’t regret a thing.
- Tinder. Go online shopping for people who catch your eye. You don’t ever need to meet anyone but sometimes you need to open your eyes and realise there is more to life than that ONE PERSON who just left you high and dry.
- Treat yourself. New clothes. New hair. Whatever you can afford that makes you feel a better version of you.
- Be honest with your family – whatever you may or may not have done, they love you and (hopefully) will be there for you whatever is going on. Tell them everything and appreciate their support.
- Block. Delete. Wipe out. Get rid of any connection to said person. Clean slate.
- Talk to your closest friends so you don’t drive yourself loco with your own thoughts.
- Take a step back. Surely there is more to your life than this person who doesn’t want to be in it – give yourself some credit.
- If your break up is effecting you and you can’t see a way out, seek medical help, there are a number of professionals out there that are experienced in dealing with all sorts of issues. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.
- Give yourself a break. Trust me. Whatever happened you’re not that bad.
- Remember; this is just a shit chapter. You will be F I N E.
7 x 110% DO NOT’s
- Do not sleep with their best mate.
- Do not comfort eat. No one ever felt good about gaining weight.
- Do not spend all day in bed – you’re on a tipping point to more serious issues of depression. KEEP BUSY.
- Don’t drink yourself into oblivion while pretending to ‘have a good time’.
- Don’t ever beg them back. Ever. Have some self respect for f’s sake. You are better than that!.
- Do not become the person who has nothing else to talk about. Your people around you love you but you’ll all feel like you’re banging your heads against brick walls if it goes on for too long.
- Seriously don’t risk losing your job / house / getting into debt over someone who didn’t want you. It is not worth it. Ever.
I have (obviously) done pretty much all the DO NOT’s multiple times, so take it from me. It ain’t worth it!.
In the darkest times it pays to remember, you will be ok. You need to grip onto that fact.
There are bigger, worse things going on in our world.
Don’t worry about the days you need to cry your heart out, one day you will wake up and the one you don’t know anymore won’t be the first thing you think about – life goes on and you will too.
Don’t let your break up become what mine became for me; a massive regret. Time will sort you out and until then just take each day as it comes. Baby steps.
Also (side-note) if Jennifer Aniston can get over Brad Pitt and Brad Pitt can get over Angelina Jolie there is hope for us all
They really did do you a favour.
✨ I first wrote this in January 2017. I was single then and amidst watching a couple of close friends go through heartbreak. I’m still single. No one wants to be single forever but until you meet the right person it’s really not so bad – be happy with you ✨