”I live in fear of myself”
// November 2015 //
I’m sat in the first bar I could find. Heathrow is about to take me to to the paradise of Koh Phi Phi, Thailand. Third time of leaving home in 2 years, ”Chapter 3” is well and truly upon me.
Bar tender asks if I’m ”going away on business?” and I laugh, ”no no, sir, Not Today!”. Then he ID’s me. I like this man, lezbefriends?
My Mac in my bag, Prosecco on my table, I take a moment to reflect and feel the urge to write …
Checking in was easy, when you travel different countries you appreciate how organised some things are at home, beloved backpack dropped and through security within 20 mins, good stuff!. So now we drink? I think so. The celebration of a free life starts (again). Here. Now.
I wasn’t going to post anything prior to me leaving, I think (know) that people get sick of you talking about travelling after a time. I find it hard to tell my stories without being like so ”me, Lucy, Nyall”, ”me, Laura, Isabell”, ”me and ‘Eif”. Basically ”me and all these people you’ve never met”. The list of those who have made a massive impact on my life is pretty extensive now, but it’s how our lives are on the road. I challenge anyone who has travelled to say otherwise. Our friends become our everything.
I always try and re-tell my stories in a way that others will appreciate them, hoping that my snippets will give them a taste of what it’s really live to live away. Saying that most people I have seen while I have been home only want to talk about my adventures.
Anyway, I digress, I wanted to write this post to look back on in X, Y, Z days (probably when I’m ”dying” of another broken heart / lack of sleep / hangover) to remind myself why the fuck I am doing what I’m doing.
I left the house at 5.15am, tears in my throat, eyes, heart, trying not to have a big melt down as I don’t think it’s fair on my Mum for me to lose it. It’s my choice to leave again after all.
So I jump in the taxi with mums words as we have a last hug ”don’t be sad, it will be fun”. ”Yeah I know, love you” I said knowing full well that hell yeah it will be. There is nothing to be sad about.
Next minute I’m brushing away the tears and hoofing it down the motorway in the taxi while thinking ”I am the best and shittest traveller ever”. Half of me has no cares in the world, does what she wants, no worries, no regard for what other people think, love my family and my friends to the death but at the end of the day I put myself first because I have no one to answer to. I do what I like and I have an epic time doing it.
Other half; worries every day about not making the most of my life, worries I’ll die without doing everything I want (I literally live in fear of myself!), misses my family, my close friends, thinks about when I will realistically see them again, how much they will have changed, wonders where the fuck I do actually want to ”live in the end”.
But what I consider to be the ”best” side of me always wins through. The passionate side for seeking the life of fun and not knowing what I’m doing one day to the next – the traveller in me. Admitting to yourself you’re a ”traveller” is liberating. It’s what I am right now and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Whatever the doubts may be I don’t let me hold me back. I go for it and take every chance I get.
Some of my dearest friends at home are going through utter shite at the moment, I find it hard to witness. We talk things through and I wish for them to break free from what is making their life a struggle. Hating your job, stressing about money, existing in a relationship that isn’t filled with love. What. Is. The. Point?. Travel offers you a way out of your restrictions. Even if it’s just a holiday, it doesn’t have to be a long time away, but sometimes you have to break out just to put how you’re living in perspective.
For me, it was a break at home that I needed to get myself back in the game. As I already noted in a heartfelt previous post, I left Queenstown because I felt like I really needed to come home. It is without doubt one of the best decisions I have made since leaving home in January 2014 – sometimes you have to change your routine to focus on what you actually want, not what people drum you to do or what your family and friends tell you is right. Take a step back and think about what the hell you are doing with your life – don’t come to me when we’re 50 with the ”I wish…” conversations. Within reason, you can always change your life.
That’s why I’m going away again, I realised it’s what I needed. I have absolutely loved being home, my family are special, we are not just family, we are dear friends. But in order to give my full to the future I had to keep going for now and I make no apology for that.
Just because you leave home doesn’t mean you don’t love home. At the end of the day it just takes a flight and you can be home within a matter of hours. My little sister was sat up in bed when I left, hair all over the place (family trait) and she wouldn’t say bye – it was ”love you, see you soon”, at 10 years old, she gets it.
We travel to see what else is out there for us but time flies, wherever you are in the world, whether you travel or not, you can believe me on that – time goes! It really is ”see you soon” and if I need to I’ll be home in a flash, not with my tail between my legs but proud I went away again. It takes a lot of leave home, but if it’s right for right now you just gotta do it!
As I got in the taxi ”Eye of tiger” was playing on the radio. The Rocky films are my faves from growing up, it just seemed so fitting to hear ”Had the guts, got the glory”, because thats all you need in life, traveller or not, have the guts to go for what you want and you’re half way there.
Right I’ve got a drink to finish and a flight to catch in 16 minutes time! See you in the sun